“I choose you. And I’ll choose you, over and over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you”. -Unknown
Dear Rainbow Baby,
The moment the image of you popped up on a pregnancy test, I froze. I couldn’t believe my eyes. With 18 months of trying after your brother Calvin entered heaven’s pearly gates, there you were. I held you in my hand and I never wanted to let you go. The plethora of emotions was indescribable; the nervousness, cautiousness, excitement, sadness…it was all wrapped up in the palm of my hand as I began to wonder who you were going to be. I remember standing in the shower before you were conceived, praying you would be everything my heart needed. Not as a replacement, but the healing I so desperately desired.
The first trimester seemed long. Before my first doctor’s appointment around 6 weeks, I began cramping. It was the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced. For a brief moment I thought something was wrong and I had a full blown panic attack, yet I had a peace engulf me that let me know everything was going to be okay. Sure enough, your heartbeat was strong and I only had a cyst rupture. God was with us. You were a fighter, little one.
Second trimester hit and this was the biggest hurdle (mentally) for me to surpass. After your brother was born at 19 weeks, I kept telling myself I needed to make it to 20 weeks and I would be okay. We made it. You made it. God was with us again. We also found out you were a girl! I needed time and space to process the grief all over again, though. Knowing you were a girl solidified the significance of your being and the loss of not having your brother with us. I loved every fiber of your being but I wept. The tears represented not being able to have both YOU and him. The tears of never seeing you and your big sister have a brother to protect them, earth side. The tears of possibly never being a “boy mom” either. After two days of sobbing uncontrollably (which seemed so silly), you baby girl were still there. Loving me, just as I was loving you. My love for you ran deep even though on the surface it appeared in the distance. Grief is weird and unexpected, yet God knew exactly what He was doing! I wouldn’t trade any of it-you were made perfectly for us!
When third trimester rolled around, I couldn’t believe I was going to hold you in my arms and take you home. It came fast. I was ready for you, but not ready for the grief of stepping back into labor and delivery again. So many emotions surfaced since you were born the day the pandemic kicked off, but God was with us. The day came to induce and I made sure your brother’s blanket from his birth was packed and ready for the hospital. In the early evening of March 16, you made your sweet entrance. You were a perfect 7lbs 9oz and 19in that God graciously gifted to us. Your piercing blue eyes were a dream and you were (still are) the spitting image of your daddy. I love that. Having your brother’s blanket wrapped around you was breathtaking, too. Your big sister was amazed and couldn’t contain herself when we drove home for you to meet her.
Here we are, you’re a month shy of 18 months and technically not a baby anymore but you’ll always be my rainbow baby no matter how old you get. I am in awe of you every.single.day. Your beauty is captivating, your smile is contagious, your recessive gene curls are mesmerizing, and your little personality keeps me laughing daily. It’s National Rainbow Baby day and I want to honor you on this day and everyday because the gift of life that you are is indescribable. Thank you for making me a mom of 3, sweet one. Forever, you are so loved.