10 Tips To Keep Intimacy Alive After Kids
I’m not an expert.
On my first draft of this post, I started writing my “credentials” in marriage and parenthood, as if to prove to you that I’m qualified to give this advice. But I’m not going to. All you need to know is that I have kids AND a consistent, thrilling sex life with my husband. (this is one post I won’t be sharing on social media, but just in case…mom, please don’t read this, I’m blushing already.)
These are some ideas and tips I’ve received as advice that have worked for my husband and I; if you have anything to add, please please jump into this conversation in the comments! We can all learn from each other in growing happy, healthy marriages.
- Discover. Learn more about him and never stop! Do you know what he likes before, during, and after sex? Just ask. Odds are, even if he feels embarrassed, he will want you to know. Think about it, if your husband blatantly asked you how he could improve your sex life, wouldn’t you be thrilled?! And, if you haven’t taken 5 Love Languages yet, do it together and find out how you can best love your spouse.
- Regularity. Date each other; you already know, this doesn’t necessarily mean go OUT on an expensive dinner date. In fact, for us, it rarely does. But if a week goes by without spending any intentional time together, we feel the disconnect. Play a board game, talk about something you read this week in the news; just spend some time looking each other in the eye.
- Preview. Leave notes for each other to find (hide the particularly romantic ones somewhere where no one else will find them) or text each other what you’re looking forward to that night. Even a well-timed suggestive eyebrow wag can do wonders!
- Make him a priority. I know you’re tired. I know you feel touched out. Tell him what will make you feel LESS tired! Back rubs can be extremely relaxing…or they could be very exciting 😉 Maybe you need a minute to freshen up with a bath or need to throw some make up on; do whatever gives you confidence and makes you feel sexy. Or maybe mornings work better for you!
- Touch. Intimacy isn’t limited to sex. Steal a quick kiss when you pass each other in the kitchen, rub his shoulders when he sits down, request a foot rub during family movie night. I doubt it’s only my husband who speaks the ‘physical touch’ love language, and I’ve found it usually encourages reciprocity.
- Try new things. Doing anything the same way over and over again and expecting to be thrilled by it every single time is silly. You can use your imagination on this one, but just to spark some ideas…buy something new (for his eyes only) to wear, pick a new place, or change the lighting (on, off, dimmed, candles, etc.).
- Initiate. It is not uncommon for the wife to have a lower libido. If you are tired of saying “no”, why not be the person who asks first? Set a cute picture of him as your background so that every time you pick up your phone, you think about how lucky you are to be his. Get yourself excited throughout the day and plan something that will absolutely drop his jaw.
- Get fancy. I realized as a mom of young kids that I dress for comfort and only put on make up/do my hair if a camera is involved…and to be honest, usually not even then. My husband tells me all the time that I am beautiful no matter what I wear, but I also want to give him a better view than sweatpants, sometimes.
- Don’t count. If you are thinking of sex as something to check off the to do list, it won’t be as fun. We try to focus more on scheduling time to spend with each other, which leads to natural opportunities for intimacy.
- Healthy diet & exercise. Being in good shape gives you higher energy and self-confidence. Did you know dark chocolate and red wine are full of polyphenols, which is fantastic for libido? Other good choices for overall health and libido benefits: whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and salmon.