There must be a million different reasons we end up disconnected from our partners: time, children, body image, extended family, household demands, career and complacency, just to name a few. If you find yourself in that season right now, it is my hope you will be able to reconnect by implementing some of these ideas. I am writing this purely out of personal experience and conversations with some really great guys, so know this: you are not the only one who feels disconnected.
This post is about you and for you. Reading it with your partner is great, but remember that the only person you can change in this relationship (without being manipulative) is YOU. So, that is where we will start.
Pursue their interests.
In seeking to reconnect with your partner, it is important you pursue their interests, not all of them, but at least one of them. For example, if your spouse likes fishing, NASCAR, or Dungeons & Dragons, do a deep dive into the topic and learn what you can. You can do your own research, ask your partner about their interest, and be an open-minded learner. There is no room for judgement in this pursuit. If you find it difficult to get into one interest, chose another. This is intended to be a loving gesture and not something you are forcing your way through.
Pursue even when it is not reciprocated.
Be okay with this process being one-sided until it isn’t. Wanting to quit when any of your attempts to connect are not reciprocated will be natural, but don’t. Remember, YOU are the one wanting reconnection and if you have to give 100%, give 100%. The goal is reconnection.
In talking with some amazing guys what I learned was that they want to be pursued. They want to be the object of your desire. They want to be worth the effort too. Intimacy means something different to everyone. It isn’t always sexual. Ask your partner what feels intimate to them. It may surprise you that snuggling up on the couch is just as important to them as sex.
When you are seeking to reconnect with your partner, it will be important you find things about them to be grateful for. Thank them for what they do and take notice of the ways they are caring for you and your family. Replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you” as much as possible. When you get home late instead of apologizing, thank your partner for being patient and waiting on you. When you haven’t finished the laundry because it has been a crazy week, thank them for being understanding. Find a million reasons to be grateful for your partner and you will begin to see them from a different perspective. You could even begin to see yourself from a different perspective too.
Finally, pursue radical honesty.
In my own experience I have found that being radically honest with my husband about anything and everything has kept us connected. We don’t keep secrets, have secret bank accounts or take meetings with people we don’t talk about. We he lets the dishes slide for a few days and it starts to bother me (because my brain functions better when there is less chaos), I just tell him. Immediately. I don’t let it swirl around in my head or wait for the “perfect” time to have a conversation. Being radically honest frees us to be more connected because there isn’t a bunch of “stuff” unsettled between us. So reconnecting may require sitting down and spilling your guts and asking your partner to do the same.
Comment below and share your own ideas for reconnection. If you try any of the ideas mentioned in the blog, let us know how it goes. We love to hear from you.
Also, check out this post from Paige about keeping intimacy alive!