Vulnerability is quite the buzz word these days. In a world where authenticity seems to be few and far between, we crave vulnerability. We desire to see the REAL person behind the filters.
To know the heart behind the one who wrote the words you read or the pictures you see. In a world where we mostly see highlight reels and “perfect” lives straight from a Pinterest board, vulnerability is often hard to find, yet all we actually want to see.
After having my 2nd child, I was too tired to pretend life was perfect anymore. We’d been through the roughest year in our marriage trying to conceive, having a miscarriage, and struggling to enjoy the life we had while knowing we wanted more. When we finally got pregnant, I was excited, relieved, and TIRED. It had been a long, exhausting road we’d been walking, and no amount of filters or fancy words would work to cover it up. Then our sweet daughter was born and she was a PISTOL. She still is. She will not be filtered and goodness gracious her words are far from perfect.. just like her attitude. But we love her 🙂
At this point, I had lived the “perfect” mom life of 1 kid, who developed perfectly, even early sometimes. We had the BEST marriage, the BEST kid, the BEST dogs, and went to the BEST Mother’s Day Out program. Every holiday was the BEST. Every birthday party was the BEST. You get it. And to be honest, life really was GOOD. It wasn’t an exaggeration. But anything not so great was for sure not shared.
Then we entered our season of loss and grief and trying and struggle.
So again, I was tired. And then the vulnerability was no longer an option. I couldn’t be anything but authentic when I’d spent the last 8 hours holding a screaming baby who couldn’t be consoled. I couldn’t do anything but cry and ask for help when I had a 2 year old that just wanted attention but I couldn’t figure out why the baby was still screaming.. 5 weeks later. So before I knew it, vulnerability was there. We were in this REAL life, and there was no other option.
But here’s the thing with vulnerability.. it takes accountability. If I tell you where I’m struggling then refuse your help.. why even tell you? If I tell you where I’m stuck then refuse to move.. what’s the point? If I scream that I’m drowning, and continue to sit still.. of course I’m going to sink. Vulnerability without accountability is just more noise in an already busy world.
So often the act of being vulnerable can be a relief. It can feel like a weight is lifted that you’ve finally just been REAL. But then your struggles come back when you continue life the exact same way, because what changed? Without accountability, without action, without change – vulnerability is nothing more than a buzz word.
My goal is no longer vulnerability, it’s accountability. It’s finding those places that I’ve been free enough to share, and actually digging in to change what I can. As moms, life goes way too fast to be stuck in the same routine of something that doesn’t work.