Pregnancy Loss Wish List

Any kind of loss is difficult. The loss of a parent, a child, a beloved pet. But the loss of a pregnancy is can be quite different.

For me it was quiet, lonely and hard to navigate.  I didn’t know that most of my friends had experienced a miscarriage until after I told them about mine.  I know my husband was grieving in a way that was different from mine, so he tried to comfort me, but even I didn’t know what I needed from him.  I struggled in the same ways when trying to help him.  Since I only knew of 1 friend who had experienced a miscarriage, I spent most of my time researching online.  That’s where we go when we need answers, right?  Instead of finding answers, I found a plethora of pregnancy loss horror stories. That left me with my doctor, however, doctors are very clinical when they talk about it and use words like “tissue” and “passing” and “cramps”. I wasn’t prepared for our pregnancy loss. I researched like crazy and asked a lot of questions. I thought I was prepared.  But I wasn’t.  I found myself feeling confused, angry, jealous, depressed, overwhelmed and anxious. During those days, I talked to God a lot. He helped me through many of those rough and emotional moments and still does.  But every woman needs to know she has friends who understand, those who have been through the same emotions as we have.  We need each other.  After my pregnancy loss, I was left with a wish list that runs through my mind from time to time.

I wish my doctor told me the nitty gritty truth.

I love my doctor. She has been with me through several surgeries, a few medical scares and a beautiful birth. She is compassionate and caring. She gives me hugs when I need them and looks me in the eye when speaking to me. But when I knew I was going to lose this baby, I needed to hear the raw truth about it. She told me I would experience cramps and then I would pass the tissue. They would be similar to period cramps, only more intense. Ok. I can handle this. But the nitty gritty truth is that pregnancy loss through miscarriage is labor. Real emotional labor with contractions that get closer and closer together with more intensity until you deliver the baby. I was only 8 weeks pregnant, and this was a huge shock to me. I had never felt cramps like this before because they weren’t cramps at all. They were contractions that would come and go. And in a strange way, I felt a sense of completion after I delivered. And I was so thankful that God made our bodies to function in this way. I had closure because of this.

I wish seeing pregnant women didn’t hurt so bad.

Even a year later, I struggle when I hear that a friend is pregnant or when I see blissful pregnant woman out in public. It hurts so bad. And I wish it didn’t. I am so happy for my friends, but inside I feel very sad.  I’m sorry if I can’t ask you when you’re due or how your pregnancy is going.  It’s not because I don’t want to.  It’s because I might lose it if I do.  That’s all. It just hurts.

I wish I didn’t have be tested for pregnancy over and over again.

After my miscarriage, I had to get my blood drawn for a pregnancy test each week until my HCG numbers came down. After years of hoping for a positive pregnancy test and high HCG numbers, this was a strange feeling for me. I was then wishing for a low HCG number so I didn’t have to go back again while secretly wishing it would stay positive because. . . . well. I’m not sure why. Maybe I wanted to stay “clinically” pregnant as long as possible.  Once the numbers go down, then it’s officially over.  As I walked past the pregnant mommas in the office, I was constantly reminded that my pregnancy didn’t last. These visits were more difficult for me emotionally than the miscarriage itself.

I wish I felt more emotional about losing a baby.

Because we had tried to have a baby for 4 years, I was trying to not get excited until after the ultrasound. By the time we had an ultrasound, the baby had already passed away, and I wasn’t emotionally attached. I wish I had jumped all in. I wish I had allowed myself to feel those emotions, even if they would be squashed just weeks later. Emotions are good for us. Even when they hurt.

I wish I didn’t have to relive it every time I visit a new doctor.

This. This was so unexpected. I expect to be upset when I see a pregnant woman. I expect to be sad when I talk about the miscarriage. But when I visited a few new doctors last year, I had to fill out paperwork that asks about how many pregnancies ended in live births. Be forewarned. This might set you off emotionally in the middle of filling out paperwork for an allergy doctor appointment! It did for me, and it surprised me.  I wish they would stop asking that question.  My OB is the only doctor who needs to know that.

I wish we would talk about this more.

Ladies, we need to be more open about miscarriage. Our experiences can help another woman going through the same thing. We can help others by telling our stories. We shouldn’t feel ashamed. Miscarriages can happen to anyone from any background. Let’s be outspoken and share our stories!

I wish I could hug everyone who is going through this right now.

Sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes we just need a hug. This is for you. . . .the one who returned home from the doctor and saw no movement on the ultrasound. . . . .the one who has been trying to have a baby for years and has lost hope. . . . the one who has had multiple miscarriages and longs for a baby. . . .the one who feels alone because everyone else is pregnant right now, except you. . . . .this hug is for all of you who have experienced pregnancy loss. We are in this together.

Looking back to October 2017, I have realized that the feeling of loss never goes away, but life does get back to normal again. The pain is less than it was. Of course, the what ifs are still there. What if I delivered a healthy baby? How old would he or she be? What would they be like? If you are a momma who has experienced pregnancy loss, what are your I wishes? And what has helped you cope with the loss? As painful as this has been for me and our family, I have decided to use it as a way to help other moms. I openly tell my story and encourage other moms to do the same. Knowing that we are not alone in this journey is comforting, and all we have to do is tell our stories.